Seriously ... ?

Honestly, I'm fucking SICK of your shit ! You complain that I'm not home enough, but when I am, you bitch about my every fucking problem . I don't fucking understand what the fuck you fucking want from me ! Yeah, I'm not living up to your damn expectations . I'm not going to a perfect college . I'm not sure what I want to do in life yet . This year has been the most fucking irritative year of my fuck damn life . It's fucking understandable if you're going through menopause or whatever, but this is way past its limit . You fucking have to bitch about every little fucking thing ! When I come home & don't shower RIGHT AWAY . WOW, does that fucking bother you that much ?! When you come home at 4 PM & feel that my face towel isn't wet, you fucking automatically assume that I didn't brush my teeth or cleaned my fast yet . Get a fucking clue . I've been home all day & you fucking left early in the morning . You got fucking problems . & you know what ? I'm fucking insecure about my body because of guess who ? YOU ! You really don't fucking know that I realize I'm big in size ?! You really fucking think I want to be like this ?! You don't know that I go out & play sports with my friends . You don't fucking know SHIT about me anymore . You really think that calling me fat over & over again will make me skinnier . HAH ! You try, bitch . I try so fucking hard to make you happy & you know what ? I'm never gonna be good enough for you . It's fucking hard enough to have Father in this situation already & you're fucking making it worse . Really ? If I leave, would you really be happier ? This already fucking happened . I walked out of Grandma's birthday dinner because of YOU ! Because you said that you'd be happier if I wasn't here .

Sadly, in the end, I still fucking love you
because you're my fucking mom ..

Seriously, would you be happier if I wasn't alive ..?

Cecilia Tran ♥

Wow, these past four days have been unbelievable . It's amazing what a little baby can do to you . I never expected to have such an amazing four days . I was so blind; I thought these four days were gonna be full of yelling & screaming, fights, money problems-- No, it wasn't any of that . I'm already so used to running out of school, going straight to your motel & seeing your cute smiling face . I can't believe you've already left . As much as I want you to stay, I can't be that selfish & ask your Mom to move here when her family's in New York . Before you even left for New York, I already started missing you . It's not even funny how many tears I've cried knowing that you'll be leaving soon & that I won't be by your side when you're in surgery . Such a little one, how is it possible that someone so small has to go through such danger ?

She's actually smiling in this picture-- cutie .

Piggeeeee~

Hehehe, that's my cell phone (:

Yeah, yeah, I know; New York isn't that far away, but I want the baby to know who I am . I don't want her to be 5 years old the next time she sees me & goes, "Mommy, who's that?"

This is what I wrote in class today:
Stay smiling, girl .
I'll always be your older sister .
I'm gonna miss you so much--
Why won't your parents stay in SF ?
It's just like New York, but more quiet, safer .
If you guys stay, our family will finally be a whole .
I can't believe you're leaving today ...

Here are some pictures of the baby, my boyfriend & I .

I miss you so much .. Cecilia, Lisa & Danh .. ♥

~~ Happy 17 Months Boyfriend ^_^v

Fuck School

On a lighter note, Sex & the City is coming out on May 30-- must watch .

I'm sorry ..

I haven't blogged in a while & I can't believe that I'm going to blog about this . ><" It hurts just so much writing about this--

I'm sorry for being so selfish ..

I'm sorry for the feelings I have ..

I'm sorry for the thoughts in my head ..

I'm sorry for putting you through this ..

I'm sorry for the way I've been acting ..

I'm sorry for everything .. </3

I have no clue when this even started . You know, it's just so hard to accept the fact that it's "The Wrong Timing" . Just sitting here typing this is so painful-- I don't want to cry anymore .. I really don't know what to do . One thing is I'm scared . I don't want to hurt him . He's done so much for me~ I can't deny that, but why is it that I'm always feeling like a secretary more than a girlfriend ? Why does it feel like you're always mad at me ? Why do I feel so far away from you ? I know I'm being really unfair to him .. But my thoughts are on someone else .

& that someone else, it's so hard to know what you're really thinking . But the way you make me feel, I can't even describe it . I'm afraid-- Am I a rebound to you ? You're so modest . I can't imagine hurting you . I don't want to-- I don't want to be unfair to you either . When I'm around you, I feel so warm . Your hugs make me feel so good .

I just don't know what to do ..
Now playing__ Love Me by Janice Wei

XOXO just me ..